"We're only going to be there for a little while, right ma?" I asked
"Thats right," she said.
As I rang the doorbell I couldn't help but feel happy and bored, she is my moms friend but, she is one heck of a talker. I heard footsteps. slow, tiny footsteps.
"Hi guys, thanks for coming," she said " Bless your hearts."
"Pessie you know I'm always here for you." said my mom.
"I know, I know, but it gets so lonely here sometimes."
"May we come in?" my mother asked.
"OH-YES!!" Pessie said, astounded that she had forgotten to bring us in the house.
I stepped inside the house-everything was white. The carpet, the chairs, and the couch were as white as snow. I saw the couch, it looked like it was fit for a king, stiff and beautiful. Every bit as tempting to sit on like a kid who awaits his ice cream. Next was the glass. Glass figures with such elegance. One of them I favored, a swan, a crystallized swan.It showed grace in its gentle look of the way it was crafted. It felt so smooth and, I saw my reflection of my fingers as I looked through....."Get away from that!"
I jumped with the surprise, and turned... it was Pessie.
"Please","that's an antique my husband bought for me."
"Sorry." I said
She told us to sit down and I did. I smelled peppermint, and that smell you smell when you go to a Granny's house. That's because Pessie is a Senior and still not in a retirement home.
All of a sudden I heard a gigantic sound that was about to blast my ears off.
"Oh sorry, my hearing aid again." she said
It's okay, I thought, I love hearing something that might make me deaf as well.
After a while my mom told me something that was the best news I had heard all day.
"Time to go." she said "Thank you so much, it was fun wasn't it Shaindle?"
"Yeah, Thanks allot Pessie,I had fun, see you next time."
We closed the door and got into the car.... finally some peace and quite.
Nice topic Shaindle! You set up the situation well, but then it kind of fast forwards to your exit. Add some transition words to help us follow you there, or describe the conversation or events that took place before you left. Also careful with your dialogue rules - you have a few errors!
ReplyDeleteCon: 16/20
Strat: 26/30